Primal Chapter 1

Mark 12:29-30

"The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: 'Hear O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with ll your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these."

In Primal Mark Batterson simplifies Christianity to the "primal"truth contained in this verse, which is "Love God, Love others". Growing up as a Christian with constant exposure to all the different ideologies, theologies, concepts, so called "truths", and good natured attempts to return to the "basics", I have to admit that I've probably greatly missed the essence of what Jesus is saying here. As I've read this verse more recently and heard it time and again as the theme of our church I have tried to keep it primal. However, my inability to focus on a single idea for more than a few minutes plagues me. Currently it feels like most of the time I'm stick in a "love me first, Love God and others as time permits...." which sucks.

I have tried to sit still for a few minutes to remember the places where i first encountered this primal truth of God, something similar to Batterson's experience in the Roman catacombs. And I have found that I really don't have one. I have moments where I have felt really close to God and I remember those clearly. Unfortunately, the moments when I felt anything but those primal experiences are the ones that stand out most. I hope, as I continue this study and learn how to imperfectly teach and convey these seemingly "perfect" ideas to members of my local revolution, that I can look back on this experience as one of those primal moments. I also hope that the moment goes to a depth beyond "feeling".

The first steps...

Overall goal for first steps section:

RUN in 5k on 12 Feb.

Daily Logs:

17 Jan - Today I ran using week 3 of the "couch to 5k" running plan:

Surface:Treadmill
Time: 27 min
Distance 2.08 miles
Run/walk intervals: 5/3

18 Jan - Used the same plan...

Surface:Treadmill
Time: 27 min
Distance 2.09 miles
Run/walk intervals: 5/3
Slightly faster pace. Feeling pretty tight and sore afterwards, probably from running two days in a row after not running for so long.

19 Jan - Brisk walkin warmish weather with Wife and pup...

Surface: Outside
Time: 30 min
Run/Walk intervals: Walked the whole time
Had a good family walk outside and just it easy for a day after two days of getting back into running. The walk definitely stretched my legs back out ater they had been feeling tight all day.

20 Jan - Last day of week 3 of the plan
Surface:Treadmill
Time: 27 min
Distance 2.17 miles
Run/walk intervals: 5/3
Tried to keep up a better pace. Right foot began hurting towards the end. Feels like the arch again.

22 Jan - First day of week 4 plan
Surface:Treadmill
Time: 30 min
Distance 2.51 miles
Run/walk intervals: 5-5-3-8-3-5
Kept it at a steady 10 min pace while running. Right foot was hurting pretty bad.

25 Jan - Second day of week 4 plan
Surface:Treadmill
Time: 30 min
Distance 2.55 miles
Run/walk intervals: 5-5-3-8-3-5
Inceased speed past 10 min mile...foot felt ok

The more things change...

"Change occurs when the pain of same is greater than the pain of change..."

God I've come to you before in my life begging you for change in my heart and my soul. Real everlasting change that transforms me into the man I know you made me to be. God I feel like I'm wasting everything you've blessed me with. I know in my life I can point to short spurts where change did occur, but for some reason the pain of same fades and I fall back into my old routine. I'm frustrated beyond belief. Things that plagued me as a 17 year high school student still plague me as a 27 year old husband. God I want discipline so badly. I want to do things when they need to be done. If I start a book I want to finish it, if I wake up early to spend time with you I want to do it consistently and not in spurts. Lord I am SO tired of being like this. I need you to infuse my heart with the type of life bringing change that you promise. I want to ask you for it daily until I can't imagine a life without it. I want to FEEL you changing me into a man that more closely resembles you. I want to love as you loved, work as you worked, and lead and you led. I want to be done with the status quo, to experience the one thing I've always known existed but never been a part of. Lord please help me to figure out how I can turn this lifestyle into my own. place ideas into my head on how I can do this practically Lord. Make Consistency as much a part of my life as sports, work, and news. Lord help this to be my daily prayer Lord, that everyday I am alive the percentage of me that belongs to you becomes greater and the parts of me I hold on to become less...

John 3:30: "He must become greater; I must become less."

Into the unknown...

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? Though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war rise up against me, yet I will be confident - Psalm 27: 1,3

Heading to the place where I will spend my next 6 months today...Lots of fears are persisting in my heart. Chances are that I will never again enter a place as dark as the place I am entering today and for some reason I am looking forward to it. While I have never stopped loving God I have begun to stray from him. I am looking forward to the growth I will hopefully experience from only relying on God in a dark period. I pray that he blesses me with a safe return. I literally have nothing to fear....

I miss my love. I miss what we had this summer. I look forward to being with her again.

No fear

I am quickly approaching the end of my time in a place I never thought I'd be. My emotions at the moment are almost out of control. During my time here I found out who I was as a person and how that fits in to who I am to God. I never thought that the most important lesson I would learn would come in the closing days of my stay. Despite God providing constant proof in my life that He will provide I still find myself hampered, if not crippled, with fear. A fear that is effecting all parts of my life as I begin the steps into building a new life that is no longer dependent on my parents. I met the girl that I'm going to marry during my time here and my life, which was so often dull and colorless, was filled with color that I never knew it could have. With this has come new fears and new insecurities I was never aware of. Things that should be given to God the moment they show their faces but instead are held onto. Learning how to love someone as God does while still holding on to fear has been like trying to learn how to swim with barbells tied to my feet. This kind of fear has no place in my life and it is time that I release it. God has always provided and will continue to provide. Fear not...

Whos now? and forever?

I'm a big fan of ESPN. I probably spend way too much time watching it and waiting to see highlights of my favorite Cleveland teams even after I just spent the last 3 hours watching their games live. Like today Kelly Shoppach struck out three times and then proceeded to snap his bat over his knee...I knew as soon as he did it that I was staying up till 12 to see that again. However....as much as I enjoy watching ESPN they are now becoming somewhat of a parody of themselves. Take for instance their newest creation, the "Who's Now" segment they are running during Sportscenter everyday. This is a new bracket-style tournament with the goal of naming the professional athlete who has the most onfield success while creating the most off-field buzz (They had to throw the onfield part in there...if it was siimply a matter of buzz then there is NO way that anyone would be able to top the buzz of the David Crowder concert at Mars Hill...) They actually created a bracket and seeding system where the brackets are named after past athletes (ie...The Jordan Bracket, Ali, etc...) Then each night they actually have people on air that argue about which athlete in a respective matchup should move on. The more I sit here and think about this concept the more I see how lame it is. In a world full of problems and major issues a tournament has been devised that celebrates the athletes that best personify eveything that is listed as "fleeting" and "meaningless" in ecclesiastes....

I denied myself nothing my eyes desired;
I refused my heart no pleasure.
My heart took delight in all my work,
and this was the reward for all my labor.
Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done
and what I had toiled to achieve,
everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind;
nothing was gained under the sun.
(Ecc. 2:10-11)

I wonder if when the lights on the sportscenter set turn off, the people who just spent the past 15 minutes of their lives arguing which athlete deserves the title of "Who's now" sit back and wonder what was the point of what they just did (i find it ironic that two of the guys, kirk herbstreit and Keyshawn Johnson, are nothing more than a couple of has beens. I wonder if the athletes really even care...

when I die I want to be able to look God in the eye knowing that I lived for more than just "Now". That the things I accomplished had a greater meaning and that I worshipped a God who is not bound by the here and now but rather exists everywhere in between the beginning and the end. God help us all...

The shadow proves the light...

Wow...my last blog was really a long time ago. Why I am returning now, I couldnt tell ya. I just needed a way to get some things out of my head in hopes that reading them will allow me to process them more quickly. I have a great pain in my chest. Not really a physical pain, but it has gotten to the point where it almost feels physical. However, if not for this pain I would have to say that I would feel completely empty inside. I have no real reason to feel like this, yet I can't shake it....

"after all falls apart....he repairs, he repairs...for the glory of it all..."

Whenevr I say prayers, especially "group" prayers, I always make reference to this idea of bringing glory to God through whatever it is that I/we are about to take part in after the prayer reaches it's conclusion. And I think its a fair request, I mean I'm told in the Bible that everything should be done for the Glory of God right? So it seems like a novel prayer, one that is full of good intent. But what happens during times like now when I feel that no matter how I pray that prayer, no matter how many different ways I can think of stating that same idea no glory is being reflected. Everyone knows that our moon really doesn't glow. and if you didn't know that, then I'm sorry to have to break it to you like this. Our moon has the appearance of a glow b/c it reflects the light of the sun. W/o the sun the moon would be a cold, hard, dusty, piece of space junk. And there are times, when the moon sinks into the shadow of the earth, where now light is reflected at all. When all light it is supposed to reflect is absorb by the world. I feel like the moon right now. I feel as though I have lost the ability to reflect the light of the Son b/c I have unwilling sunk into the shadow of the world. No glory of anything bigger than myself is being reflected, leaving only an outline that is barely noticable. Gosh this sounds so depressing. I wasn't made for this. I know what I am called to do and, more importantly, I know how to do it. I just need to let God lift me back into the light....I just need to give up.