Into the unknown...

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? Though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war rise up against me, yet I will be confident - Psalm 27: 1,3

Heading to the place where I will spend my next 6 months today...Lots of fears are persisting in my heart. Chances are that I will never again enter a place as dark as the place I am entering today and for some reason I am looking forward to it. While I have never stopped loving God I have begun to stray from him. I am looking forward to the growth I will hopefully experience from only relying on God in a dark period. I pray that he blesses me with a safe return. I literally have nothing to fear....

I miss my love. I miss what we had this summer. I look forward to being with her again.

No fear

I am quickly approaching the end of my time in a place I never thought I'd be. My emotions at the moment are almost out of control. During my time here I found out who I was as a person and how that fits in to who I am to God. I never thought that the most important lesson I would learn would come in the closing days of my stay. Despite God providing constant proof in my life that He will provide I still find myself hampered, if not crippled, with fear. A fear that is effecting all parts of my life as I begin the steps into building a new life that is no longer dependent on my parents. I met the girl that I'm going to marry during my time here and my life, which was so often dull and colorless, was filled with color that I never knew it could have. With this has come new fears and new insecurities I was never aware of. Things that should be given to God the moment they show their faces but instead are held onto. Learning how to love someone as God does while still holding on to fear has been like trying to learn how to swim with barbells tied to my feet. This kind of fear has no place in my life and it is time that I release it. God has always provided and will continue to provide. Fear not...

Whos now? and forever?

I'm a big fan of ESPN. I probably spend way too much time watching it and waiting to see highlights of my favorite Cleveland teams even after I just spent the last 3 hours watching their games live. Like today Kelly Shoppach struck out three times and then proceeded to snap his bat over his knee...I knew as soon as he did it that I was staying up till 12 to see that again. However....as much as I enjoy watching ESPN they are now becoming somewhat of a parody of themselves. Take for instance their newest creation, the "Who's Now" segment they are running during Sportscenter everyday. This is a new bracket-style tournament with the goal of naming the professional athlete who has the most onfield success while creating the most off-field buzz (They had to throw the onfield part in there...if it was siimply a matter of buzz then there is NO way that anyone would be able to top the buzz of the David Crowder concert at Mars Hill...) They actually created a bracket and seeding system where the brackets are named after past athletes (ie...The Jordan Bracket, Ali, etc...) Then each night they actually have people on air that argue about which athlete in a respective matchup should move on. The more I sit here and think about this concept the more I see how lame it is. In a world full of problems and major issues a tournament has been devised that celebrates the athletes that best personify eveything that is listed as "fleeting" and "meaningless" in ecclesiastes....

I denied myself nothing my eyes desired;
I refused my heart no pleasure.
My heart took delight in all my work,
and this was the reward for all my labor.
Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done
and what I had toiled to achieve,
everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind;
nothing was gained under the sun.
(Ecc. 2:10-11)

I wonder if when the lights on the sportscenter set turn off, the people who just spent the past 15 minutes of their lives arguing which athlete deserves the title of "Who's now" sit back and wonder what was the point of what they just did (i find it ironic that two of the guys, kirk herbstreit and Keyshawn Johnson, are nothing more than a couple of has beens. I wonder if the athletes really even care...

when I die I want to be able to look God in the eye knowing that I lived for more than just "Now". That the things I accomplished had a greater meaning and that I worshipped a God who is not bound by the here and now but rather exists everywhere in between the beginning and the end. God help us all...

The shadow proves the light...

Wow...my last blog was really a long time ago. Why I am returning now, I couldnt tell ya. I just needed a way to get some things out of my head in hopes that reading them will allow me to process them more quickly. I have a great pain in my chest. Not really a physical pain, but it has gotten to the point where it almost feels physical. However, if not for this pain I would have to say that I would feel completely empty inside. I have no real reason to feel like this, yet I can't shake it....

"after all falls apart....he repairs, he repairs...for the glory of it all..."

Whenevr I say prayers, especially "group" prayers, I always make reference to this idea of bringing glory to God through whatever it is that I/we are about to take part in after the prayer reaches it's conclusion. And I think its a fair request, I mean I'm told in the Bible that everything should be done for the Glory of God right? So it seems like a novel prayer, one that is full of good intent. But what happens during times like now when I feel that no matter how I pray that prayer, no matter how many different ways I can think of stating that same idea no glory is being reflected. Everyone knows that our moon really doesn't glow. and if you didn't know that, then I'm sorry to have to break it to you like this. Our moon has the appearance of a glow b/c it reflects the light of the sun. W/o the sun the moon would be a cold, hard, dusty, piece of space junk. And there are times, when the moon sinks into the shadow of the earth, where now light is reflected at all. When all light it is supposed to reflect is absorb by the world. I feel like the moon right now. I feel as though I have lost the ability to reflect the light of the Son b/c I have unwilling sunk into the shadow of the world. No glory of anything bigger than myself is being reflected, leaving only an outline that is barely noticable. Gosh this sounds so depressing. I wasn't made for this. I know what I am called to do and, more importantly, I know how to do it. I just need to let God lift me back into the light....I just need to give up.

Unconditional Love?

Last night while I was at bible study (bible study seems like such a generic word to use for this particular group...i havent figured out what to call it) we got into a semi debate about whether or not unconditional love is something that is attainable by humans. One particular person argued strongly that it most certainly does not, while pretty much everyone else opposed. He argued that someone can claim unconditional love, for instance a couple married for 60 years, but then if the dad kills the daughter, or something major like that, then thats where the unconditional love would end. He argued that as imperfect human beings we are completely incapable of loving unconditionally even though some people can get close. I'll admit that his argument angered me and I thought long and hard about it. I have to believe that unconditional love exists and I know it does. And this is why...the Bible says (i cant remember where) "there is no greater love then for someone to lay down their life for another". Christ walked around among us talking about this unconditional, agape love, but it wasnt until he died for us that we saw he really meant it. Dying for someone, becoming a sacrifice, shows a unconditional love b/c it shows that even the loss of your life isnt a condition with which to choose love...it shows that love goes beyond this life. Wih that said, there are many stories we hear about in everyday life in which someone deicides to give there life for another. Just recently a father left his family to hike across the Oregon wilderness in order to seek help. This decision for his family cost him his life. We also hear about soldiers in the battle field, willing to give their lives for the men next to them and for their country...this type of love I believe is unconditional as well. I believe that love becomes unconditional when a person is willing to or does choose that the life of the person he/she loves becomes more important than their own. And that is how this agape love manifests itself in our imperfect human lives and we are all capable of showing it the way Christ showed it to us.

the subway in the bernhard center is the most efficiently run fast food place I have ever been to...the taco bell/pizza hut across from it is the worst...

God Bless

I'm not gonna lie...

Ok, I don't know how many of you have noticed this trend that has been sweeping the college student population. I can tell its a trend b/c in this single year I have lived in 4 different places (Youngstown, OH, Avon, OH, Brookings, SD, and Kalamazoo, MI) and still i hear it. By the title of this post you may know what it is. Its the trend of people saying "I'm not gonna lie" followed by some type of declaration. It was funny at first, but now it has spread beyond control. People of all walks of life feel the need to prepare you for the truthfulness of the earth shattering statement they are about to make. In the beginning I appreciated this kind of politeness. I enjoy listening to truthful statements and I used to like the fact that I didnt even have to question if something was true or not. Everything is placed right out in the open where it could be taken for what its worth. But now? Its getting annoying. The statments are no longer earth shattering....or even earth tremoring for that matter.

It is b/c of this that I wish to make a proposal. I propose that instead of preparing the listener for a statement of truth, we start preparing the listener for a lie. We should just all assume from the beginning that whoever is speaking is telling the truth oherwise the said person should just begin the statment with "hey, I'm gonna lie" followed by a false statement. This will be a lot more helpful and a lot less annoying. Im just sick of the whole "im not gonna lie" thing" so anything to get that out of the picture is fine with me...even if the new statement people use is something absurd like "hey, I like tomato juice".

As a cleveland browns fan I was excited to be home this weekend to actually see a game on TV. Now? I cant wait to leave so I dont have to watch them anymore...they are perpetually horrid.

What's on my iPod?
nothing too new this time around
Weezer -The green album
an oldie but a goodie...I love the buggy holly song

ok its back to the K-zoo...God Bless

Some thoughts on thoughts

Deep Thoughts...I don't allow my mind to think deeply very often. It takes too much effort and there are just so many hours in a day... and I'm not particulary fond of people who always try to have "the deep thought" of the conversation. Those kind of people arent thinking deeply for anything more than attention. But anyways, I only say this because the other night when I was at home I found myself lying in bed with my chest hurting and my mind sinking to the depths I dont usually like to visit. I was thinking about grad school and how burnt out I feel. Before I left for YSU my dad told me one thing....to be the best...and in my respective department I did well enough to have my name included among the best. I was happy with my accomplishment, I worked for 4 years to reach that point. I felt it meant something. Now 6 months laterI find myself among a bunch of other people who were considered "the best" also and among profs who have no idea who I am or what I did. The worst part is that for some reason I can't find the motivation to reignite whatever it was that pushed me the last time. Simply put...I'm just not hitting on all cylinders right now. And I need to be...quickly. I know everything I do is a reflection of not only me, but also of the people who put time into me and most of all God. I need a lifestyle change. I've grown too comfortable. at least these are thoughts that came to me now and not at the end of November.

Today I saw a squirrel run across Howard. I haven't kept much of a mental diary, but I think everytime I have seen a squirrel run across a busy road it seems as though they all stop immediately on the other side and just kind chill there in this kind of "Holy Sh** I almost died" sorta stance as they try to catch their breath. I have no thoughs to accompany this, I just thought it was kinda funny and I will always wonder what was on the other side of the road that causes a squirrel to risk so much.

I went home to Cleveland this weekend. It was only like my 11th day at home in the past 5 months. I got to spend some good time hanging out with my parents as they celebrated my bday a little early with me. We went to dinner and saw "Flags of our Fathers", which wasn't the best war movie I have ever scene, but it was still well done with some very realistic war scenes. I recommend it. I also came back to K-zoo with a new iPod. Its freakin sweet. My parents helped me get it for my b-day since my old mp3 player was stolen in "the great car heist '06". So I think that now each time I make a blog I will include a "what's on my iPod section"

What's on my iPod?
Sam's Town by The Killers
See the Morning by Chris Tomlin
-I recommend both

My new blog...

Sooooooo I've attempted to make some blogs before (www.xanga.com/jayd5)...and after a long hiatus I have decided to return. Having entered the life of a grad student I have found my mind flooded with new thoughts and rants that I wish I could just get out of me sometimes. So perhaps this will provided a place for me to release or to pass on bits of wisdom...or none of the above. Perhaps I will go strong for a week or a month before I get bored and just stop. I really dont know. I hope it goes on for a while. I hope it helps me sort some things out in my head. Anyways...thats all.